"You were born together and together you shall be forevermore...
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you."
Well, I am pleased to report that the twins are definately fighting their viral infections off well. They're still a bit on the congested side- but they are definately getting better! Those little bulb things for suction really come in handy! The twins hate them, and when they see it they start to cry. But it has been a comfort to me to be able to suction out their noses when they're packed with the nasty ooze that keeps them from being able to breathe at night.
I am amazed at the love that comes with being a parent. Just last night during the wee hour feedings, I fed each twin and held them close to my breast as I whispered softly my hopes for them. And it was there in that moment that I knew a lovfe so profound that it took my breath away. The twins can turn even the worst of days into one to celebrate. They are a comfort to me. And yet, I worry about them so much. I wonder if the fear ever subsides, or if one fear fades out and leaves room for another?
Lately, my worries have been on finances. Work is getting to be a bit scary and it looks like sometime next year, maybe as early as April even although the plant manager tried to give me hope to hold out for August- that both Shawn and I will be hitting the unemployment line. It's been forever since we have been awarded new jobs. And it won't be long and all of our existing jobs will be running out. People at work always try to console me with the fact that if our jobs end, we were looking for work when we found the jobs we have. Right they are, however- I doubt that I will be able to just go out and get another job doing something I enjoy and make the money that I make now with the awesome benefits package I have now. The insurance alone is enough to help me to rest easy at night. But if that were all taken away? What then? I abhor the thought of gettign on any sort of state assistance. Sure, I pay taxes. And yes, if I needed it, I would have to go that route. I would by far stomp on my pride if it meant that my children were cared for with health coverage and what not.
And I tend to think of the small, less important moments that to me, mean so much. Like Christmas and their birthday. How awful would it be to not be able to spoil them because finances were tight? To nto have a memorable day or to have it tainted with the fact that I was going to have to worry about how i would be able to finance things. And yet, I would willingly sell my soul to the devil (figuratively speaking of course) to be sure that the twins have all that they need and are cared for. But there is so much I want to do for them!
I am already fantasizing about the things I want for them. A nice swing set for the yard. Motorized power wheels to drive. A big sand box. Family vacations and camping trips. And anything else that their little hearts might desire. And yet, at the same time, I think back to my childhood where I didn't have a pot to piss in. To the times where it killed my Dad to tell us that he couldn't afford this or that. The years throughout my childhood where I only had one pair of pants to wear to school because we couldn't afford new clothes. There wasn't money for family vacations or much else for that matter. And yet, looking back- I have no regrets. I had Daddy. I had my siblings. I had my Family. And above all, I had so much love. Sure, I would have loved to have been able to have all the latest items that were popular with the other kids. But when I think about some of my friends who had a lot of that stuff, I think about how their parents had to work their asses off to do it. And yet, my Daddy worked his ass off- and we might not have had everything we wanted, we always had what we needed. We were clothed, fed and had a place to live no matter how meager the provisions were. And we always had Daddy. And so much time with him. Sure, my Dad could have worked longer hours, got a 2nd job. Made more money. But then he wouldn't have been around to catch all of our school programs or sporting events. He might not have been there to help me perfect my goal tending abilities or to comfort me when a boy broke my heart.
What my siblings and I lacked in materialistic things, our Dad made up for them with his love, time and devotion. I guess money really can't buy happiness. And it surely can't buy love. So I guess I should quit worrying so much about the finances and enjoy what I can do for the twins with what I have right here and now and deal with the financial struggles if and when they happen. And yet, I can't help but worry somewhat... I guess that's just par for the course.
I'll just have to keep reminding myself to follow my Father's lead. He did one hell of a job with his four kids. And if I can be one quarter of the parent that he is- I'll be stylin'. He's up here visiting us right now. He's staying for a whole week this visit. I just love watching him with my kids, it reminds me of how he was with me when I was little. He may be a little older now, but he hasn't forgotten a single thing about kids. I can't wait for the day the kids get to experience the "bologna man." Or when Daddy stands in the doorway to their bedroom and recites with them their bed time prayer. Or when he sings one of his crazy tunes about spanish bandits and good times...
I watch him now with a love so fierce and so true. And I take comfort in the knowledge that one day, if I am lucky, my kids will know the love like the one I have for my Dad. Hell, I am already working on perfecting my own crazy quirks to use on them. And I will take such joy in hearing the words, "Awwwww... Moooooommmmm!"
I am 30 years old and I still laugh when my Dad sings, does something crazy like gobbling when he opens the oven door on the T-giving turkey. And I'll admit, I'm even waiting for teh "Bologna Man" to return once again.
And now, I understand what my Dad means when he says he has no regrets about the sacrifices he made for his children. There truly is no greater love.
Okay, I'll stop rambling now. Thanks for tuning in!
Always,
Sara
Yesterday's Diapers & Powder Fresh
birthday news and more - 2007-07-08
Happy Irish Day! - 2007-03-18
All is going well - 2007-02-23
Trying to stay sane - 2007-02-04
Merry Christmas - 2006-12-22